Say it Sister...
Lucy and Karen, two 40-somethings, are always chatting about life, and all that it has to throw at them, and now want to share their raw, honest conversations with you. Their journey of self-discovery and healing is something many of us can relate to. We all possess a unique power within us, but life’s trials often knock us off course. They have the tools, the courage to speak up and simply say it as it is, so you might feel seen, and understood and gain practical tools and techniques for self-discovery and personal growth during the changes we experience.
Say it Sister...
Navigating Safety: Honest Stories about Womens Safety and Collective Resilience
What if feeling unsafe wasn't just a fleeting moment but a constant reality for many women? On this heart-wrenching episode of Say it Sister, we, Lucy and Karen, open up about our own experiences with personal safety and share the collective tales of women who navigate a world rife with violence and harassment. By highlighting historical and current data, we aim to shed light on this persistent issue and create a safe space for open, honest dialogue. Together, we explore ways to confront these harsh realities and offer resources for empowerment and support.
From the troubling normalisation of male violence against young girls to the radicalisation of young boys through online figures, we tackle difficult but necessary conversations. We discuss how childhood harassment leaves an indelible mark and scrutinise rhetoric that trivialises these experiences. Through a compassionate, feminine lens, we challenge dismissive attitudes and advocate for reclaiming traditional narratives to empower women. Personal stories become a powerful tool for fostering understanding and driving change.
Trusting our bodies and using our voices are pivotal themes in this episode. We delve into the complexities of recognizing uncomfortable or unsafe situations, even when they involve people we trust. By sharing our personal journeys towards healing and empowerment, we emphasize the importance of seeking support and listening to our instincts. We discuss the significance of addressing past traumas, building inner trust, and creating supportive environments for resilience. Join us as we strive for a safer, more empowered future for all women.
Hello and welcome to the Say it Sister podcast.
Speaker 2:I'm Lucy and I'm Karen, and we're thrilled to have you here. Our paths crossed years ago on a shared journey of self-discovery, and what we found was an unshakable bond and a mutual desire to help others heal and live their very best lives.
Speaker 1:For years, we've had open, honest and courageous conversations, discussions that challenged us, lifted us and sometimes even brought us to tears. We want to share those conversations with you. We believe that by letting you into our world, you might find the courage to use your voice and say what really needs to be said in your own life.
Speaker 2:Whether you're a woman seeking empowerment, a self-improvement enthusiast or someone who craves thought-provoking dialogue, join us, as we promise to bring you real, unfiltered conversations that encourage self-reflection and growth.
Speaker 1:So join us as we explore, question and grow together. It's time to say Say it, Sister.
Speaker 2:Hello, it's Karen. It's episode number two of the Say it Sister podcast, and I'm a bit nervous today because this topic is one that's close to my heart. Where are you at, lucy?
Speaker 1:Do you know what? I'm totally up for it, but I'm really aware that we need to take care of the people listening. You know, they're going to be in different spaces and places and even when I was recounting some of the stories about my own personal safety, I realised I'm not ready to talk about that one just yet, because, again, we're all in in different places when it comes to when we have felt unsafe and we we do hold that um, and I'm also really aware that, um, my daughters, who are, you know, almost well, they are young women, they will be listening. So, again, I'm just really, I'm excited, I'm up for it, but but also careful, that's the word.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I hear you, sister, and this is probably one of the hottest topics that is out there at the moment, and it's affecting all of us, all around the world. We want to talk about personal safety today and feeling safe in our own bodies during a time when violence against women and girls is at a high. I actually have a frog in my throat already and I can feel that there's a lot going on in my body. This podcast is a trigger warning for anyone who may be going through something. It's also an opportunity to talk about the key issues that face women today, and we want to do that in a safe way. We also want you to know that if you are struggling with anything, there will be details provided where you can have open and safe conversations with others.
Speaker 1:We're going to go deep today. Yeah, I was going to say I'm feeling it in my heart already.
Speaker 2:It's like, oh so yeah, it is deep, and we've always got a message, haven't we? Because we really really work on that and, you know, when we are alerted to not feeling safe, I think it's so easy to ignore that energy and to think maybe I'm paranoid or I'm making it up or what you know. I feel uncomfortable, so I just ignore that feeling. And being ignorant in the world today, you know, is not bliss. Actually, we do need to know what's going on and we need to be able to talk about it and actually create solutions for ourselves that will really, really help us to, you know, still be out in the world.
Speaker 1:Yeah, do you know what? It does feel really deeply unrestful at times. And you know like the statistics are there. I think when we were younger there were no statistics, but now people are measuring and reporting on what's really going on out there and it almost validates the feelings that so many of us have had for years. In fact, my whole life experience has been one of not feeling safe. Even though I didn't know it, it just was part of how to be a girl or how to be a woman, was part of how to be a girl or how to be a woman. And now, because we've got this data and the news reports, social media platforms where other people are sharing their stories, it feels like that it is an unrestful time, but it's also not just now. When we look back at all the stories over our history and you know, the centuries, it's actually always been this way for women.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's deeply unsettling and I'm with you. I've always. I've never felt safe in my body up until the last couple of years because I've been doing deep, deep work and we can talk about that in a bit. But you know we do. We are brought into a space and time where there is so much going on in the world and where women's bodies are being controlled on many different levels.
Speaker 2:And if you look at what's happening in the UK at the moment, you know we've got these awful statistics coming out. It's been called by the police as a time of emergency. You know we've got shocking statistics. We've got women being harassed, stalked, sexually assaulted, domestic violence, and the stats are saying that it's up by 37 percent in the past five years and the perpetrators are getting younger and there's two million women a year estimated to be victims. I also saw something today that said that you know, 2.5 women are killed per week in the UK and it's like it stops me my tracks in a way, and and it's very hard to feel positive when you know that this sort of thing is happening out there to assist our um, not just in the UK, it's, it's, it's. You know this is happening everywhere, but we do need to talk about it yeah, do you know what?
Speaker 1:um, one of my earliest coaching contracts, so it must be nine, ten years ago. I was doing some stuff for an NGO and it was helping trafficked women who'd arrived in the UK to heal. So they'd been rescued. But that was only the start of the healing journey and it actually really made me ultra aware of what's happening globally to our sisters around the world and you know where they're being used as weapons of war, trafficking, child exploitation, and only I think it was yesterday, it was over the weekend. I was chatting to an old school friend who posted some video about why is it only men who are being claiming asylum or refugees, and I shared with her that actually it is safer for the women and the children to remain in the refugee camps because and even though that's not a great place to be, it's still safer than going on this journey where they are basically seen as prey.
Speaker 1:And my eyes became really opened in my early 20s when my best friend's mother started fostering and one of her first children and she was now 17 she arrived, yeah, 17.
Speaker 1:She'd been dropped off at the Birmingham airport unaccompanied and that basically the story was that as a 16 year old, she was involved in a child children's student protest and they'd all been arrested, these children, and thrown into prison without trial. And when they were there, there was systematic rape of these young girls and because one of them, this girl, got, became pregnant. She was now a liability because it was an all-women's prison. So it was obvious what had been going on. So they bought a plane ticket, accompanied her to the airport, said I'm just going to the toilet, you wait here. And then they went through the exit, got on another plane and went back and there she was, this poor girl who'd already been away from her family and now in a country alone, after you know, horrific trauma, and thankfully she found refuge with my friend's mother, who was, um, a wonderful woman and now her life is in the UK looking after this child.
Speaker 1:And it just, yeah, it opened my eyes to the pain that women are experiencing everywhere and that might sound extreme um but there are acts of violence, like you say stalking, harassment, um, walking down the street being catcalled, which, when that happened to my uh, 13 year old daughter, um, and how upset she was and how worried she was about going out again. It just brings it all all home. And so, yeah, there you go, my 13 year old experiencing male violence, harassment, sexual assault, and it's just an old story, that's. You know, it's just now entering our world because we're talking about it, we didn't talk about it. And on the other side of that, they're becoming really, really aware of this rhetoric coming from the young boys in their colleges, in their schools, and, you know, the police chiefs are now calling it. You know a real concern for radicalization by online influencers. We all know the name, andrew tate, but we had this debate, this conversation, online on linkedin, didn't we?
Speaker 2:we did and you know what it's deeply upsetting. The funny thing is, you know, I remember being at school and because I developed so early, I couldn't walk into certain parts of the playground because if I did I knew that the boys would jump on top of me and try and hook my bra. You know, and this is, like you know, in the first year of high school. So you know, I was 10, 11, and I just learned how to sort of try and avoid those spaces. You know, I never really spoke up about it. I would obviously tell them to get off me, but you know, I didn't go to the teachers and say hold on a minute.
Speaker 2:I think things will probably be done differently now and you know, that did leave an imprint and these boys were quite nice boys actually, they weren't awful boys, um, but that's what they were doing because, well, it was fair game and I had, you know, I had breasts and I had a bra on and, um, they just wanted to have a bit of a go really, and you know, they, I don't think they could have known what to do with anything really, to be honest, but it was deeply, deeply uncomfortable and I had to avoid that for many years, until eventually, I think, they grew up a little bit. But and then, on the other side of it, I'm remembering being pregnant, when I was 42 and you know, being with my dad in the car and these guys in a van shouting and leering going. They didn't realize I had, I had, I was pregnant, but I was quite big by then, you know, and making lewd comments and whilst my dad's sort of driving and I just, you know, thinking God, 10 years old, 42 years old, you know it still happens. And I think, as you get older, you think, oh, you're actually you're not in the line of fire as quite as much, but it is still happening.
Speaker 2:And so, as women, you know, there is like an awareness of protect yourself throughout, you know, take care of yourself throughout. You know, I'm probably jumping ahead a little bit here, but I just, I just it came up. I was like I just need to share this because it can't stop.
Speaker 1:It's a tiny act that, you know, we probably wouldn't have spoken about because we were nine, 10, 11, 12, tiny little acts like that. But actually here we are as grown women and we remember them like they were yesterday. They're still there, they're still in our cells and in our memories. This stuff doesn't leave us and it does shape the women that we become and how we go out there in the world. And it's that part that you were speaking of about, you know, never really feeling safe in your body and it is really hard to talk about. And whether we're having dialogue with our male friends, actually with our sisters, with our parents, or actually out there on social media, when we're talking about this stuff, it is really hard because we do get these people saying, oh just, you know, it's a load of rubbish, or what about men and all those? What about isms that come up and often I try to just remove myself. When it starts getting into a debate where they are just not listening and they're trying to power over, talk over me, throw loads of data and stats and all this kind of stuff at me. I just remove myself because I'm thinking they don't actually want to engage, they just want me to be wrong. They want to hold their position, whatever their position is. So what I tend to do is, just like you have there, I tend to turn to real stories real, you know, whether it's first person testimonies. That's my own story, my own lived experience, because it's those stories that seem to make a difference and they can't tell me I'm wrong. But it's my story because, no, this is my story and you know what it's for me. It's about not trying to fight them and throw more stats and more news reports at them. It's about actually bringing my feminine energy to solution, because I've tried using my masculine energy and it doesn't work. Um, so instead I turn to sharing, speaking, listening, telling stories the whole purpose of this podcast Because, yeah, bringing that masculine energy. It just makes it hard and I know I feel unsafe and I don't want to be shut down anymore. So, yeah, as a mother you know we both have girls I think it's now our time to really speak our truth and encourage others to do it, to say it's sister. So I just want to take a moment just to share a story that I used to read to my children when they were little, and now I refuse to read it to them. So I now read the new story of Little Red Riding Hood.
Speaker 1:As women, we're reclaiming the stories that actually our medieval ancestors were sharing as a warning, as a guidance to women, because it was not safe in those times either. And we all know the story of Red going into the woods, which were symbolising the outside, unsafe, unknown, going to see her elder, her grandmother, and along the way, in this world that is unfamiliar to her, she is approached by a wolf or a huntsman, whichever story, and they're trying to entice her off the path. They try lying or manipulating, whispering, sweet nothings, trying to befriend her but trying to take her off her course. Trying to take her off her course. And it's the old stories like this that actually we've kind of forgotten because we've turned it into a ladybird book. But actually it's always that whisper of mothers, grandmothers, aunts, saying be wary when you go out there.
Speaker 1:And there's this beautiful little passage I want to, or poem I want to, read, the end of Wolves may lurk in every guise, handsome they may be, and kind, gay and charming, never mind. Now, as it is the simple truth sweetest tongue has sharpest tooth. And that story was updated by the Grimm brothers to have the poor girl saved by the huntsman. There goes the patriarchy again, um, telling us that, um, only men can protect women from other men. And in fact, the lesson in the story is listen to your intuition, be aware, and what I now know to be true is actually our intuition, is actually our greatest source of power to protect us 100%.
Speaker 2:I mean, there's so many things I want to say about this. I feel like, you know, really there's so many things to say that I can't actually think of what I actually want to say. It often happens, you know, it's that flattery piece, it's the flattery that is the most dangerous. So when we are approached and someone's very flattering and also the separation piece, you know if somebody is, you know, if somebody is, you know, has bad intention towards you, they're going to try and separate, separate you away from a group. You know we do need to hang out together, take care of each other, listen to our own intuition and put things in place that safeguard us. And at the same time, you know it's just to be really, really wary of that, because for me, if somebody's nice to me, I feel like I have to be nice back and I'm learning now as a 48 year old Come on, karen, smile that actually that's actually not in my service at all. I need to be more fierce, you know, and protect my space and just be very, very clear, give every very clear signaling, you know, and let people know that when they invade my space that that's not permitted. So this has been something I've learned a lot later on in life and it's certainly something that you know.
Speaker 2:I'm working with my daughter, who's only five and a half, to really support her to actually listen to what's going on in her body. It's a difficult one when they're so young, because there's only all I can do is get her into her body and get her to listen to her body. However, as we get older, there's many more things going on and I think that clear signposting from within ourself is the only way we can stay safe. Really, I was also thinking about this idea of like what's actually going on when you know, we have our intuition, we have our wisdom, it's been alerted to something and then our brains, our brainstem, will wake up and this is when we go into the. You know the survival response and we're in fight, flight, freeze, fall asleep and for me, like understanding what goes on in my brain has actually really helped me, because when I start to feel a sense of panic or confusion or I'm uncomfortable, I'm like something's being triggered. Here my brain has been alerted and I've got a range of things that I could do and I've learned to just understand that I'm triggered. I think that's number one. The first thing to say something's going on. There's been a shift in energy, there's been a change in my body, there are feelings now and my brain is engaged and at that point there's a range of things that I could do.
Speaker 2:But, honestly, what tends to happen for all of us is that we have this like pre-programmed response that we tend to go back into. So, you know, it's worked for us before, there's a reason why we go back to it, and yet it's not the right one to choose. And that fall asleep piece that you know disassociation or numbing out because it's we've had pain before or something's happened to us and we go well, I'll go there, because then I'm not present in my body and therefore it won't be as bad. That's the worst thing that we can actually do is what I have learned through my own personal and professional journeys. Actually, we need to stay awake. We need to stay awake, we need to have our wits about us and we need to have different solutions that we can go. Actually, fall asleep is not the right one here. Let's choose something different. But we've got to be reading the situation as well. So there's already a lot in this space. The only thing that we can do is respond to what's happening in the moment. What's?
Speaker 1:right, you know what it's. Um, it's interesting because as you were talking, I I was reminded of those again, the the wolf speaking of when I've had concerns or I've started to look worried or shifty, um, and I've heard that that male voice say, no, it's fine, don't worry your pretty little head about it. Or you know things like that. And actually every time I've gone against my intuition is when bad things have happened, but every time I've listened to my intuition, whether that's crossing the street, um, phoning a friend or going into a busier shop, things like that. You know just those little tiny acts that we can, we do when we listen to our intuition. Every time they've saved me and no harm has come to me and um, yeah, I'd love, love to share loads more stories, because I have got so many, not just about where it saved me, but equally where it didn't absolutely.
Speaker 2:that's just exactly what I was thinking about, you know, is the times when I didn't listen and it you know where I was just in a pothole, really. That's why it feels like inside my body anyway, you know of just, oh my god, how did I get here, how do I get out of this? This is not, you know, this is not what I'm wanting right now, and the difficulty that comes with that, you know, and the struggle and the fight that happens internally whilst we try and work out what to do, and then the blame that we put on ourselves afterwards for not listening to our gut.
Speaker 2:And then that's where we carry that kind of shame, because then we berate ourselves when actually we haven't perpetrated against ourselves absolutely not, and I feel, like you know, for me, like when I was sexually assaulted in 2017, there was many signs that day that something was not right. This was by a man I knew very well and trusted, and there were many. I can put it right down to the moment when I opened the door, you know, and the hug that he gave me. There were many. I can put it right down to the moment when I opened the door, you know, and the hug that he gave me. There were all these signals and signs that made me feel uncomfortable in my body, and yet I didn't listen to those signs because actually, it didn't make sense to me, because this was someone that I knew so, so well, and we were in a group and it was a wedding and different things were happening, so for me, it was like something was alerted me, yet I didn't really have the skills I have now. Should we say so, many years later, after all the work I've done to heal and to sort of really get back into my own power?
Speaker 2:I'm a very different person now because of that situation. You know, I've learned so much and I've really learned how to sort of stay in my power actually, and when I'm not feeling it, what to do about it, and you know, when I need to get out somewhere, that that's okay and to use my voice, so that all these skills have sort of followed in. But in that situation it was too late for me in a way, because, whilst I've done a lot of empowering work, I had never faced something like as strong as this before, in the way that it was. You know the way that it happened to me. So I had to yeah, I went into the old, defunct, you know, basically lost my voice, didn't know how to speak, all of that, and that saddens me today. And at the same time, it was a survival response to something that I, just in that moment, just didn't have the power to deal with.
Speaker 1:And do you know what I? I can just imagine so many of the the listeners thinking about a time where they felt uncomfortable but they were at a family gathering, a party, out in public and didn't want to cause a fuss or didn't want to mention anything in case it was nothing, and they were making a mountain out of a molehill, so they just dismissed it. And I can guarantee you every single person listening has been in that situation at some point, where something was off, but they didn't act because they didn't want to cause a fuss, absolutely and there's just so many layers to it.
Speaker 2:You know and we're not going to get into all of that today um, as we go through, you know, our series, there'll be different things that are going to come up in different learnings.
Speaker 2:I think the most important thing for me was to address what happened and to acknowledge what happened, because I don't think you can heal or actually get over anything if you push it down, pretend it doesn't happen, suppress it or take the blame for it as well.
Speaker 2:So this has been, you know, such a part of a cosmic awakening for me that has actually taken me into a place of trusting my body again, listening to my body, taken me into a place of trusting my body again, listening to my body, using my voice, saying it, sister, you know, in ways that I couldn't have done before. You know, they always say that there's something gross, you know, like the the lily is like comes out of the stagnated water, you know, and the disgusting, like you know, I mean I'm laughing here, but something can happen that is awful and, at the same time, you know, if we are kind and caring to ourselves and we take the relevant next steps each time and we keep doing our own personal work and we get help. We can still be that beautiful flower on that stagnated water and I think you've landed at a really key point there.
Speaker 1:Get help and it doesn't matter where that help comes from, but it's it is a deeply personal journey to do this healing, but it is. It's so much harder when you're doing it alone. So, whether it's talking to an expert, a charity, your best friend, your mum, whoever it is it is, yeah, lean into our sisters. Um, it's such a fallacy that sisters are against one another and we fight. Because that is not my experience. Every time I've reached out for help, I found somebody.
Speaker 1:And and it's really interesting, we're talking about when we feel unsafe in our bodies or when it all started. And do you know what? I remember watching tv back then, when we had VHS recorders and things like that and you actually had to press the fast forward button, um, but if every time a sexy scene came on, um, a movie, my mum would always fast forward it and there was just this real moment of awkwardness or kind of like shame that oh no, we can't, we can't go there, and it was almost like kind of Victorian purity you know puritan, you know the word trying to come out, and but it taught me from a really young age even that signal. We don't talk about this stuff. That's shameful, that's not for your eyes, lucy, we don't do that. And and yeah, I felt really unsafe even in that moment because, although nothing had happened to me, I felt this, this feeling inside that I'm not safe to be in this sexual world. But then it didn't give me the skills to be able to deal with these things and and then we had a chat about when was the first time I felt really unsafe and I think the first time I actually really did feel properly unsafe and I didn't know how to get out of it.
Speaker 1:As such, I was only 13, 14, and we were on a summer holiday and we happened to meet up with some kids from our school and one of the evenings my mum let us go to the clubhouse with this other family who were quite friendly with the staff there, and one of the staff. You know it's nothing as romantic as dirty dancing, which on so many levels, is wrong. Now I think about it, but it literally was like a dirty dancing kind of scenario, because this older guy took me to the back of the old clubhouse and I can't remember how it was, like the wolf taking me outside. I can't remember how I ended up there, but I was like 13, I was a child and um, and that was how I had my first kiss, and I hated every moment of it because my whole body was tense. I knew I just needed to get away and I did, and I remember saying, um, my brother is probably looking for me, I need to to go inside.
Speaker 1:And you know, I didn't tell anybody about that up until a few years ago, really, and it was interesting because after that my mum kept saying to me do you want to go back down the clubhouse? And I would make every single excuse about why I didn't want to do it or why I wanted to stay in. And then, interestingly, I there was another boy that I met there who was my age, maybe a year older. There was another boy that I met there who was my age, maybe a year older, and we ended up having a nice little holiday age appropriate romance of maybe holding hands, and that was the story that I took back to my friends and to the world about. Oh yeah, I had a lovely summer romance, but I was too ashamed to talk about that moment when I felt so unsafe, because we don't talk about this stuff, it's the things we hold inside us, and we then stuff it down and bury it, and I think I did.
Speaker 1:I buried it for years. Yeah, what was?
Speaker 2:your. What would your current self say to that young girl? Young, 13 year old now?
Speaker 1:you weren't safe, your gut instinct wasn't right and actually you should have reported that to your parents because my god, they'd have gone down to that, that clubhouse, and make sure he doesn't do that to any other child. Um, so that would, that would be the advice. Like you, you weren't safe, you were right, don't you know? And you didn't do anything wrong.
Speaker 2:Um, and then I give her a big hug yeah, because it's like this is the thing, isn't it like?
Speaker 2:We carry those little ones inside us and they come around with us and when they, when they feel like they're not being heard or that something is triggering in the moment, they wake up and they start to speak.
Speaker 2:And we need to listen to those little parts of ourselves, but we need to do it from the adult place, the grown-up, to say, hey, it's okay, I'm not gonna, not gonna, I'm gonna take good care of you and I'm listening to you and this is what we're gonna do about this situation. So please trust me, you know, it's like this constant building of, like inner trust. And I think, when so many things happen over the course of a lifetime where we didn't have the skills, we weren't prepared, no one had the proper conversations, we didn't know how to get out of situations, we'd been told some of the wrong things, like smile, be kind, be nice, all of that, all of that stuff that we all get told on every single level, we just weren't prepared for it. But now we are prepared for it and now we've got things that we want to say and things that we want to do, things that we want to share, but we've got to take care of the little ones inside of us as well.
Speaker 1:And you know what I think, certainly in my circles and I know in your circles, we are talking about it more, and part of it was the Sarah Everard case, and the other part for me was when Me Too movement started, and I remember having conversations with a lot of women at that time and every single person had a story that they'd never, ever spoken about, and most of them had several stories. Yeah, and once we created that safe space, that, um, that they could just share, or if I volunteered to go first to show that leadership of you know, this happened to me, then I that it would give them the space to be able to say, yeah, that happened to me, or something similar happened to me, or my sister or somebody in my town that I know, and that was a real turning point for me.
Speaker 2:What was?
Speaker 1:it seven, eight years ago.
Speaker 2:Tara Everard, 2021. And yeah, I was deep in my own healing journey and when she was murdered, I remember it like it was yesterday, I literally was. I went to my knees almost I just it gave me a space to do some more grieving. But at the same time, some of the conversations I was having not all were good at the beginning. You know like conversations like well, what was she doing walking across that park on her own? And there must have been more to it than that and, you know, and she could have gone to the police and in the early days that was the comment.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah and and obviously she was killed by a police officer again. It's like that kind of the system is not fully on board for women yet and we have so much work to do in that domain. And and you know when, when, when I, after my assault, I didn't go to the police and I tortured myself for a while, quite a few years, thinking well, maybe I should report. And when I thought about it I was like actually there was so much going on in my life I decided not to report and I didn't think I would get the right support at that point and I was, you know, I had PTSD and I was like I am not strong enough to go down this line, so I didn't report.
Speaker 2:And but it's just that reminder that there is so much that does need to change to support women to, you know, go and report things and to speak up. Because whilst it's very easy to say, well, we need to speak up and talk about it, if it doesn't feel safe for us to do so, if we're not sure if the response we're going to get and we're going to stay quiet, and we're going to stay quiet for a long, long time until eventually we probably can't stay quiet anymore and then it kind of comes out of us in different ways and I've had those experiences too. But yeah, she was um. It was a moment in time, I think, when it just made me stop a little bit and actually have other conversations with people and say it wasn't her fault, you know, and the story as it unfolded was deeply distressing because this was a man in power yeah, and I'm just really curious that it took you to a place.
Speaker 1:But here you are today talking about it, and how safe do you feel now?
Speaker 2:yeah, you know, I feel more safe than I probably ever felt in my entire life because I trust my body and I trust my signals and I have done enough practice at this point and healing to be able to go if there's a situation, if I catch it in the beginning, I've got a really, really good chance and I've got a really great. You know, I don't. I do live my life differently now and I have put a lot of procedures and measures in place. I suppose that mean that I'm different. You know it has changed me on multiple levels. I'm very conscious about where I go, who I go with. You know, yeah, I definitely live a much more insular life than I did before. I've got a smaller circle of friends. I'm very conscious about who those people are. I hang out with mainly women, I have to say it, and, however, in the last couple of years, more men have been arriving again and, um, you know, I feel comfortable, comfortable and happy to be able to be, you know, friends with men and have, you know, good relationships with them. So that shows my level of healing.
Speaker 2:Again, it's like I think we go through these things and we, we kind of go into our bubble and we do the work we need to do and it takes a long time and I I don't think we should rush through, you know, trauma I think we have to sort of, you know, like the unfold it step by step, with different guides, different people, and people leave at the same time people who can't be around that or don't want to have those conversations, and that's all part of the I'm going to call it leveling up. That we have to do, you know, to not stay victims but to actually realize that we have a choice. We have we're powerful now. On my favorite sayings, I say to myself when I feel scared, I wasn't powerful then, but I am now powerful now. Now I know what to do and I know that my instincts are right. So I feel that I have moments, but I, I have moments and then I know what to do about them and that's where my power comes back.
Speaker 1:So it's a great question one of my um. So, yes, I've had that, that physical feeling and safety, um, but I was in a really toxic relationship which was all around emotional abuse and that took me so long to heal from. And, yeah, I do feel safe now because I do feel powerful. And your experience is so similar to mine in the sense that, um, first I had to find the support from my sisters, from um other women, and then, bit by bit, I started allowing myself to feel safe around men and inviting them into my world again. But I am now armed with what we call the red flags, um. So it's again listening to your intuition, just noticing how something has been phrased or how somebody acts in a certain situation, and so I feel really powerful now, equally, but there's also something that you know, some wisdom that I tend to share with my daughters, because I hope they will never go through this stuff, but I know that they will. It's almost a certainty based on the data and personal experience. Um. But I always say to my girls if something doesn't feel right, then it isn't, it's non-negotiable, it isn't right. So listen to your intuition and, interestingly, through this um, my girls both feel their, their anxiety or their intuition and their feelings in different parts of their body. So my youngest feels it in her gut and she used to say to me oh, um, mummy, I think I'm going to be sick, and it was usually because she was going into a new circumstance that didn't feel right. My eldest carries the weight of the world on her shoulders and literally when she doesn't feel safe, her shoulders rise and she holds that position. And you know, other people feel it on their backs, in their heads, in their jawline. So it will come somewhere. If you notice you're in a situation you're suddenly clenching your teeth, it's a signal. So find, I guess, find in your bodies where you feel it, because it is a signal, um, and yeah, notice what those whispers. So try and calm your mind so you can listen to what that intuition is saying, and often it's you're not safe or be alert, be aware, um, but while you're trying to drown out that you can't listen to it. So you need to find a way to really tune in.
Speaker 1:I also say to my daughters know that you have agency in any situation, so you have the power to yell, scream, walk away, smile until you exit, go to the bar and say I'm not feeling safe. Now, whatever it is, they have agency at all times. And then I hadn't realised I had to really speak this, because growing up we just had the girl code. So I'm really re-educating what the girl code is, and it's things like you never leave a friend behind. Or if a friend says she's not feeling safe, you're there, you're surrounded, you're right by her side and you do what you can to support her. And even now you know my daughters if they're sending their friends off in a cab, they take a picture of the licence place Little things like that.
Speaker 1:They never leave anybody behind. And this is the ultimate girl code, and we want our allies to be on this as well. So so there's little things like this that we all need to be educating others around. And it's not because it's yeah, I don't want to be pessimistic because there are a lot of good people out there in the world, but in my lifetime it's not going to get any safer and uh and so, yeah, education is is really part of this, and that's what we need to do for our daughters educate them absolutely and to be able to listen to our feelings, because in all, all of those feelings there is information.
Speaker 2:And so when it's confusing, when we feel confused, it's because actually what's happening is confusing and it's really important for us to go hold on a minute. I'm confused because this is confusing to me and there is information here Because, actually, if we feel safe and we're in a safe place, we should feel open, we should feel free, we should feel like, you know, we can use our voices, we can go where we want to go, we can dance, we can move. You know, all of that is what we want to be able to do, and if we don't feel it's in the space, we don't feel like it's there for us, what else is there? What is the other stuff that's? Do we want to be part of that or do we want to distance ourself? And, you know, take a taxi home or whatever it might be, or just say to a friend this isn't, this isn't a safe place. I'm not feeling it tonight.
Speaker 1:You know, that's a really good pulse test, almost, because everyone listening to this will have had that experience where they feel completely safe, where they can just dance and laugh and play and just be their ultimate selves. And every single one of us knows where we feel that, like, don't show off too much, don't play full out, because you'll draw attention to yourself, because now is not the safe time. So, yeah, I invite the listeners to think about where is it when you feel that you're safest and where have you also been in situations where you've had to play small to almost be invisible? So you're not, you're not in eyeshot or earshot of somebody who may do you harm, absolutely. Well, we've, we've only really scratched the surface of this. Well, we've, we've only really scratched the surface of this, and it is.
Speaker 1:It's a complex topic, but I think I feel that we've done a really good job of just opening up the conversation and we're going to keep continuing these themes, aren't we? So, please, keep listening and if you feel like you, you need to share what's your, your time. You can find the words to speak about something that's happened to you, please, you can. You know we will be here. You can dm us um, and you can get in contact with us at the say it's sister, safe, private uh facebook group. But you can also contact many different support services who have got experts who are trained in giving you the support that you need, and we are going to post those on the show notes and equally in that Facebook group because we don't want you to be alone.
Speaker 2:And equally, we know that today might not be the day that you want to talk about it, but at some point you will absolutely and I just want to add into that that speak as quickly as you can, because the quicker you speak up, the more down the line you can get in terms of getting the support that you need. So so, whilst you'll want to be quiet, you'll want to process it. If you can share it with at least one person, it will really help you to get support quickly and not suffer in silence like so many do. So I just want to say that I also want to say if you lock your back door, if you hold your keys in your hand, if you cross the road when you feel unsafe, keep doing those things.
Speaker 2:You're listening to something that's inside you. Please do not ignore it, because this is the way that you can take your power back Next time. We're listening to something that's inside you. Please do not ignore it, because this is the way that you can take your power back next time. We're going to talk about how to build personal safety in a world that is evolving and often feels extreme so thanks for listening and we can't wait to welcome you next time.
Speaker 2:Until then, use your voice journal, speak or sing out loud. However you do it, we hope you join us in saying it's a star.