Unapologetic Women

Ever had a moment where everything looks fine on paper, yet you can’t shake the feeling that something is missing? We start there, with a message that landed in meditation and hit like a bell: you are the part that’s missing. For so many women, years of people-pleasing, holding it all together, and living outward can create a slow drift away from your own voice, needs, and truth.

We sit with a midlife truth that can feel startlingly simple: the thing that feels missing might be us. We talk about feeling lost, the habit of apologising for taking up space, and how small, gentle acts of honesty can bring us back to ourselves. 
• feeling lost as a normal signal rather than a flaw 
• using the wheel of life to spot disconnection and imbalance 
• coming home to ourselves instead of chasing external acceptance 
• “I am here” as a practice for presence and self-trust 
• noticing where we live an apology through automatic “sorry” 
• defining what an unapologetic woman looks like in real life 
• building non-negotiables that stop self-abandonment 
• naming fear stories about receiving, need, and worth 
• telling the truth in relationships and watching what strengthens 
• spotting early patterns of shrinking, masking, and red flags 
Until next time, keep saying it, sister. 

Send us a comment, ask a question, or suggest a topic. We would love to hear from you

Transcript

Welcome And The Queen Era

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Say It Sister. We are Lucy Backs and Karen Harris Kelly. It's who mid-life women are making sense of the work in our queen era. We're all about energy, we're about wisdom, and we're about sensing. We're human first, women second, others, and we're reaching for that half-century milestone. And we have found our voices. We want to share our open conversations with you so that it will inspire you to reach out and to find your own voice and to share it with others. Today

You Are The Missing Part

SPEAKER_00 0:33

we're exploring something that so many women feel, but they don't always have the words for. A sense that something is missing, not in our lives on paper, but within ourselves. I was sitting in a meditation recently when a message came through loud and clear, and it said, You are the part that's missing. And I knew instantly that this is not a personal thing, it's a collective message. So we're here we are today sharing that with you. Because so many of us have been conditioned to live outward, to give, to respond, to hold everything together, to adopt a mask, and in doing so, we are slowly disconnecting from our own needs, from our own voice and our own truth. We become the reliable one, the strong one, the one who keeps everything moving. But what's the cost of that to you?

Feeling Lost And Finding Belonging

SPEAKER_00 1:23

Lucy, hi, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 1:25

I um I don't feel lost right now, which is great. Um, but I have really been feeling um these like waves of feeling a little bit lost throughout my life, of questioning um who I am, um, why don't I fit in? Am I on the right path? And I think that's actually quite normal for all of us as we're trying to figure out who are we, is this the right career, is this the right relationship, am I in the right environment? And uh this is why when we do um a lot of our coaching initially, we we ask people to do the wheel of life because it's a really good way to actually look at, you know, where am I in this space and time? Am I where I need to be? Uh, because most of us are feeling that element of yeah, being lost, being alone, not being in community, but yeah, more importantly, not being within ourselves. Um, and I think there's one thing that we both understand now that all our lives we've been just trying to fit in or or to be socially acceptable so we're not rejected. And now, this midlife period, there's that that sense of well, we're coming home, we're starting to look at how do we belong to ourselves rather than all of the external measures, um, and feeling like we we belong in our own skin and we accept and love and adore this body that we're in. Um, you know, if you've got curly hair, it embrace the curl if you've got straight, just go with it. If you've got some wrinkles coming, just know that that's just part of your story and the size of your boobs and your hips, your height, that that's you, and your body has carried you through this amazing journey so far. So it's like really feeling comfortable in your own skin, knowing who you are. Um, so this is a huge topic. Um, and we could go in lots of obviously lots of different directions. Uh, so we discussed this beforehand, didn't we? We said actually we're gonna go down the route of being unapologetic, or actually, why is it that we almost like shrink ourselves and live our life like it is an apology and name it, um, you know, and start looking at what is it that we we preemptively limit ourselves so that we might not make other people feel uncomfortable or need to apologize for something later on. And I it's not just a woman thing, I think it is an all-human thing, but I think because women in particular are trained to be servers, to keep the harmony, keep the peace, make sure everybody's needs are um attuned to that we often put ourselves second. So yeah, don't rock the bow. I'm hearing don't rock the bow. That's it. Yeah, so um, yeah, so you know all of us, I think, because we are in this midlife, we're starting to almost like really step into our adulthood now, aren't we? And start asking those big questions about what would it be like if I wasn't conditioned or apologizing.

The Retreat Lesson: I Am Here

SPEAKER_00 4:37

I think, and the thing that you said that really stood out for me is that idea of being lost, because I know that in my 30s I had a big period of feeling like I was lost, and I was I actually went to a one-week retreat, I can't remember what the name of the retreat was, and I I crumbled on this treat in front of everybody, and I just and I remember saying, like, I don't know who I am, and I feel so like I am so lost in my life, and it was one of those moments when everyone took a deep breath in because I knew Yeah, even now hearing it, I'm like everyone can associate with that because isn't that the way of the world? Aren't we trained to at times feel lost? Like, you know, you could also say this is part of the journey, and actually, there's nothing wrong with feeling lost, because it's a real moment when you and like for me to say it out loud, because I you know, you this was this is before we met. So you knew me later, and you saw the woman that should that showed up in our in that training room. You know, I had I was very good at like playing the game, the mask was really, really well put on, and for me to be like I'm totally lost, it was like a really defining moment for me. And they did this thing with me, and they were like, Every three minutes, you're gonna set a bell on your phone when it goes off, you're going to stand up in front of the whole room, and you're going to say, I am here. You're gonna put your hand on your heart and you're gonna say out loud, no matter what's happening, I am here. And it was like that retraining of I'm not lost, I'm here. I'm I'm here in my heart and I'm present in this moment. Now, I had to do that for two full days every three minutes. Can you imagine? I had to stand up in front of the entire room and say, I am here. And people just started putting their hands on the hearts, and then there was a point at the two-day mark when I was like, I'm done with that now. I think I've got the message, and they were like, Okay, fine. So, but I continued with that idea of every time I feel lost, I come back in and I say, I'm not lost, I'm here. And it's such a powerful reminder for me because it was two days of it, and it was really embarrassing, actually. To be honest, it was really embarrassing because I had to be vulnerable, but it taught me so much, and I think if I can sort of seed that little seed in here, like the world will tell you that you're lost. Your journey is designed so that you can get lost. What is really important is that you come back into your own heart and say, I'm not lost, I'm here, and I know stuff. So I'm opening

Living An Apology Versus Truth

SPEAKER_00 7:08

with that. Let's go into the apology. Where are we apologizing in our own lives out of a habit rather than the truth?

SPEAKER_01 7:17

Uh, you see, it's such a habit that I think most of us don't even realize it, realize that we're living an apology. Um, so I kind of want to flip it for a second and just tell you or share what an unapologetic life might look like, and then it might be easier to see almost like scaling yourself where you might be on that scale of apologetic to unapologetics. So, an unapologetic woman is not ashamed. Now, I don't know any woman who can truly say she doesn't carry some shame. Um an unapologetic woman is selfish when it comes to her own wants and needs, and she's absolutely good with that about saying, no, I don't want to do that, or no, this is important to me, or I'm saying yes to that because it really matters, or this is the path I'm going on. Even if people around her are not good with that, she's kind as she does it, but no, she chooses life on her terms. We also like to please others in our nature, so it's when you are pleasing yourself first and say, What will please me in this moment? What will give me the most satisfaction? That is an unapologetic woman rather than you know going into this chronic detriment that we give ourselves by saying yes when we mean no, when we hesitate, when actually we're really sure about what we want and the direction we're going in. Um so every time we choose against ourselves, we are living an apologetic life. Um, it's when we say no and then go and feel guilty about it later because we might be really strong in that moment, but then later on, that it's almost like a guilt or shame hangover comes along. And that means that yes, you're getting closer to being unapologetic, but you're still carrying those wounds. We do not need to apologize or justify ourselves for making choices that serve us well, um, and we're not bitches for standing up for ourselves or being assertive or for being bold and brave or for taking risks or making our own happiness a priority, you know, any more than actually we're not whores for reveling in our sexual desires and experimenting and showing our false selves. Um, so what we tend to do is the apologetic woman, we tend to get our inspiration for what our homes look like from Instagram or Pinterest. Um, we try and present a world that makes us acceptable so that nobody might criticize us. We it's about the way that we choose to move around the world, um, where we go, where what we want, how we do our hair, uh, the makeup we wear, you know, and not conforming to the male gaze is the absolute unapologetic woman stance. Um, it's about not seeing the ultimate success of being a married woman. What else is there that is success for you and absolutely going after that? Umapologetic women cannot be controlled. I love it.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

It is the rebel. We do need to find the inner rebel. We talk about this a lot, don't we? And I think we are definitely in tune with our inner rebels at this point in our lives. For me, it's like I'm there's a difference in the sorry. It's like I am sorry for your loss. Now I do say that quite a lot in my coaching sessions because I have people arriving with a lot of loss and grief. So I'll say, I'm I'm so sorry about that. But that's not like I'm saying sorry from a place of within my own heart because I'm sorry that they're having they've got this pain, but it's not my responsibility to take that from them, and there's a difference in that. I what I am aware of is the sorry for breathing, the sorry for interrupting you, the sorry for taking up space, and the sorry for asking for what I really want. That's the bit that I go, this is the work, this is the work that we all need to do, this is the work, this is the women's work ultimately, because we've all been trained, like you say.

Sorry For Taking Up Space

SPEAKER_00 11:39

Now, what I'm noticing is for me, it's like taking time for myself, still feels uncomfortable, yet I am doing it, and so there's a rebel in me that's like, you know, you go into that meditation class, you go into that thing, this is your thing, you're going, off you go. Um, I just don't feel guilty for that anymore.

SPEAKER_01 12:01

I don't feel guilty because I was gonna say, do you feel the guilt and the questioning as you're making the decision all the way through as you walk into the door, or is it afterwards? Just explain to me what it feels like and what it looks like for you.

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Not now, but I think that was getting in the way of me making the decision. So before I could make a decision, like I've been invited to this meditation circle for I went once last year and it was lovely, and then there's been this gap, and I found myself not getting myself off the sofa at seven o'clock because I'm in my pajamas and I've forgotten. Actually, that's not an I I busted my own ass on that one and went, no, that's not an that's not valid in this point in my life. She lives that it couldn't be any made any more easy for me, so I'm like, stop, could just stop with that. So I took myself to the meditation, but the impact of that meditation on me is so huge, and the impact of my relationships in my life is so huge that now I don't feel any guilt or shame. I am just completely proud of myself for saying, like calling it and saying, no, no, no, no, no, that all this all the stuff that's blocking is not is not the truth. Get to the meditation class.

SPEAKER_01 13:18

So I did, and that's why I wanted to ask the question because usually on the other side of the thing that we're being unapologetic about is more freedom and confidence because we're like, I was fretting about all of that. What might people think, what they say, what if, what if, what if, and then you do it and you think, well, actually, everything on it's just upside, it's brilliant.

SPEAKER_00 13:39

Yeah, and I it took me into a place, and I wanted to share this because I feel like we we all need some non-negotiables, and it might just be that we have one non-negotiable.

Non-Negotiables And Learning To Receive

SPEAKER_00 13:49

We start there, like for me, the meditation thing on a Thursday night is my one non-negotiable. I've got other things, but I'm like, nothing's gonna get unless I really can't go for some crazy reason. For me, it's about not slipping back into self-bat abandonment. Like, I want to claim that part of myself. She, the old part of me would have gone to that before I became a mum, and there'd have been like I wouldn't have even considered it as uh anything. I'd have been like, of course I'm doing it, and I'd have done exactly what I wanted. But from since I became a mum, I changed and I became servant, and I am shifting that now back into receiving energy again because I have been deeply programmed in my life to serve anyway, and then the mother element has just it's gone out of whack, and she's not a baby anymore, you know, she's nearly eight. So that I've had to sort of address in my own self. I realized that if you're serving, it's very hard to receive, and receiving can feel vulnerable and even unsafe. And the story underneath it also. So I was sat with my saboteur and I was like, okay, what's this about? And it was like, I'm just gonna read it out. This is what came. If I receive, I'm selfish. If I need, I'm weak. If I stop giving, I lose my worth. There is no wonder that these patterns stay in place. But for me, I'm shifting that lens to go, thank you for your opinion. I hear everything you've got to say. I love giving. Like, if I can celebrate myself for that, like I love and service it is part of who I am, but it's not at the expense of myself and my own well-being, because all that does is erode everything that's around me, and this is the work I'm doing now, and it's like it is reclaiming balance and it's reclaiming myself and my worth and my leadership, but it's doing it where I am in the middle of that. It's like here I am, and I open from there, not like the focus before was so far out, and actually, the the me, the sort of like deep part of me is like, what the hell? You know, like where am I in that that story? Like, there's no me in there, so that's the that's the shift, and and the apology is really interesting because from thinking about like where am I not being unapologetic, where am I abandoning myself? I was able to get to a place where I was like, Well, what am I gonna claim? I'm claiming that for myself, and then the story came out, so it's been really, really important work.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

It's it is really fascinating for me to be able to bear witness to what you're saying. The women that we work with also watch them step out of um playing it small and safe, um, and then go through it myself as well. Because I think what we are afraid of is if we take up more space, will we be rejected? Will we be unsafe? Will we be too visible? And you know, there's a very real threat um living at this time in our world that actually, if you are too bold, too visible, then actually death threats are very real. Um, but on the other hand, actually just saying no, I am going to this class or I am taking up this hobby because it means something to me, or I'm gonna go and take a um a long soak in the bath and switch off from the world because I need that, that's perfectly a normal, amazing thing

Redrawing Family Roles In Midlife

SPEAKER_01 17:19

to do. And I think I'm at this position now where both my girls are home, they are both about to finish their formal education and start full-time employment. Um, and I said to them, right now we're this dynamic's changing because we are three housemates essentially. Yes, I am your mother, but I am not going to be mothering you. And that, and I I really had to make that state, uh, you know, draw a line in the ground because otherwise I know I would fall back into mothering and I'd go and clear out the cups that they've got stored in their room, or I'd end up doing their laundry for them, um, or you know, just all those normal caring things because my love language is acts of service. Um, I love being of service to other people and make their lives easier, but actually, we are three women who are now all going into the next phase of our lives, so it's made me start to think and really process what do I want? What would I be if I was unapologetic? And that is like some big stuff because actually, for the last 22 years, I have been mothering, and I have been very selfish along the way because I chose to live um as a single mum for the last 10 years, and before that, actually, I was always acting as the the main person in the relationship, so it was quite selfish from that point of view, but now truly I can't really put any excuses in there. Um it's it's quite terrifying to choose to be that bold, so I'm just being gentle for now. I've just I've almost given myself until my 50th birthday opportunities just to be a little bit bolder, a little bit braver, and a little bit more selfish, and ask what does Lucy want?

SPEAKER_00 19:13

I love that about you though, and and so you you did something, and I just was like, I love that because I'd sent something to you, and you were like, Well, that if we if we are going to be truthful here, that doesn't work for me. This is how I would say it, and it was really brilliant because you were so truthful and upfront. I always value that. I'm always like, if a woman can be truthful, I'm like, I know exactly where I stand, and also what you're saying is really valid, and so I was able to go, and you were like, I hope you don't mind me saying that, and I was like, Absolutely not, it's such a gift, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

And I think when we start to live from an unapologetic place, if we can meet each other, I need to say, sending you that message, I was actually having those um panics of like, what if I upset her? What if, what if, what if, and then I thought, no, I have to say this, but it but on the like I said, on the other side of it, actually, it was brilliant, but I still had those moments, but I still did it anyway. And I think I think we need to name that recognition that unconditioning ourselves is not just like, oh, I've decided I'm gonna be unapologetic, therefore I am. No, it's gonna be lots and lots of little minor acts that then builds into something big, and yeah, that shame, anxiety of upsetting somebody, that just means that you're a decent, wise person.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

And it shows that you care about your impact and how something might land with me, which I really appreciated as well. You know, it's like this is a relationship, and we are both different and we both have different voices, but actually, what I saw was two women, slightly different way of communicating and showing up and leading and guiding, but with the exact same message, yes, and so we join together and we can meet more women.

Truth In Relationships Builds Strength

SPEAKER_00 21:04

Some women will like what I how I say it, some will like how you say it. We've got the yin, the yang. Brilliant! So that's a perfect thing, and I think when we're in a relationship and we can be truly ourselves and you know, say exactly what we need to say, and you can still do it. I think if you're caring, you're caring. It doesn't wash away just because you're telling the truth.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

And I think you know, the more we talk about that and the more we do that, and the more we share that, then people go, Oh, oh right, so it's gonna add something, it's not taking anything away, it's adding that's what a co-creation looks like, and I think what we're hearing a lot of over the last well, probably um quarter of a century, but definitely over the last few years, is the number of women who are signing out of relationships in their 40s and 50s because they've been with their partner partner 20, 30 years, and they're saying now, I want to be, you know, well, I want to serve myself, I want to put my own needs first. And when They're trying to express this and sometimes sounding like a nag, but sometimes it's just like really clearly, this is what I want, this is what I need. Because their partner is so conditioned in the old relationship dynamic, they don't want to move, they don't want to meet each other halfway or redesign what this looks like. So the women just say, I'm done. Whereas if you take that example of what you and I did, you came up with something, I said my truth that that didn't work for me. So we found something that worked for both of us, and actually the relationship gets stronger. So if you are both open to being unapologetic, actually everything again is on the upside from there. Um but I do feel sorry for for the fellas um in particular who have been conditioned in a certain way of um living, and then suddenly we turn around and say, we don't want this anymore.

Shrinking For Love And Seeing Red Flags

SPEAKER_01 22:55

And I want to just share one story of where these little seeds start um being sown. And when my eldest was about 14, she got her first boyfriend, and she was with him for probably 12, 13 months, something like that. But I saw them together after a few months, and I noticed how she really dumbed herself down to be with him around him, and he actually really loved the person that she was, but then she was like being a little feeble, like she wouldn't be able to pick something up or just saying, Oh, I'm so stupid, oh I oh, I don't know the answer to that. When clearly she knew the answer to it, and even talking in a soft, little gentle voice, like she needed protecting, and he wasn't responding to it, thankfully. And I just said, Bella, will you will you like act yourself, please? Because I needed her to see that she was changing her whole atmosphere to appear less than, smaller than, not taking up as much space. Thankfully, she's learned to come out of that, but she's still only 22, she's gonna go into a whole other world now where she's might ch face this challenge, and so I just want again people to recognize it starts so small, and if nobody challenges it, you get to our age, and like, what the hell was I doing?

SPEAKER_00 24:14

Yeah, no, I mean it's happened to me, you know. I was I was in a relationship um with someone, and I was the, you know, like when we met, I was so and he used to say, Gosh, you're so much ahead of me in your career, and he'd make all these comments about where I was at, and I was highly successful, and I had a very glamorous life, and he was like more sort of like belts and braces, you know, go but he was working in the city and um you know going in there and and aspiring, I think, and but he was already successful, so it wasn't that he was unsuccessful, but I was I was I was ahead of the game, and um Which is often as it is now, the women's early careers they're ahead, yeah. Yeah, and I was in my 30s and I was at the very top of my game, so it was like that's true, but I noticed as we sort of went along the journey that I started to stop almost like I started holding myself back, and then we got to a point when then he's like actually more like you know, taking that lead in in the career, and I'm like thinking about oh, you know, do you think we'll get engaged and will we get married and have children? And then we started sort of like looking at our lives, and he was like, Well, I'll have the place in the city, and you can move back up north, and you'll have the children, and then I'll come back at the weekends. And I was like, Am I going back into the Victorian times? Because his values were so Victorian, and and that's just not where I was coming from, and I could see myself shrinking and squeeze, and then I was like, I started getting really bulgy because I was like, before we start making these plans, because he'd got this really nice flat in Clapham, and I was, you know, I was kind of I started coaching by then, and I was sort of out, I didn't really want to be in London anyway, so it was fitting in, but then as we're sort of having these conversations, I was like, this does not sit well with me because he's thinking I'm gonna have the job, she's gonna be at home with the children or the child. He said, I would like I need I'm gonna need an hour to myself when I get home from the office, so you'll have to keep the children away or the kids, whatever. And I was like, This is not gonna work for me, this is not gonna work for me. I I because that's not how I am, this is not how me and Rich have built our lives with our daughter, you know, it's all hands on deck, so it was really interesting. So I I saw where we were headed and just thought this is not and he was unapologetic in his request, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

And so therefore, you be unapologetic in your response.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

And I was to be fair, but it you know awesome, and it it's it's more that thing of how we can get into something, and I think unless you're you're sort of like really quite mindful and watching how the relationship's unfolding, and start you know, the red flags are there, the red flags are always there, and we've got to be able to sort of face the red flags and think, you know what, this is gonna mean the end of this relationship, but it's not right for me, and being unapologetic about that, you know, and being willing to sort of walk away and leave something and you know start over and whatever that looks like, which is certainly what I did, and for the better, you know. It but it's easy to get caught up, I think, sometimes in the dream of something, but actually, those red flags are telling you that this is not the right dream for you, and I think this is part of that um the the beginning of becoming lost because you've adapted your dream, yourself, your wants and needs for the relationship, but it's it's quite uneven about um how much am I giving up to make this relationship work versus what the other partner is?

SPEAKER_01 27:47

Now it's important, you know, when you're in relationship that there is some give and take because you're creating something new because there's two people coming together, that completely acceptable, but when you are losing yourself in the relationship, that's when you will start thinking at some point, who the hell am I?

The Question To Sit With

SPEAKER_01 28:06

I don't recognise myself. Where did that all my hopes and my dreams go to? And so I'm gonna ask you to um almost like wrap up now. We've gone full full circle and bring it back to losing ourselves because we are gonna come back next week to talk about you know, where in our lives are we actually abandoning ourselves just to keep the peace, and what does it look like when we start making unapologetic moves? So over to you, Karen, just to round off today's episode.

SPEAKER_00 28:38

What we've seen in our own lives and in the lives of the women we gather with is that when we're shaped by expectation, something essential in us remains untouched. We have free spirits, we have choices to make that are our own. So, next time we're gonna go deeper. We want you to investigate what it means for you to live, lead and love unapologetically, not perfectly, not all at once, but consciously and with very slow, gentle steps. The question that we're really curious about, and it's a question that we'll give to you, is where do you draw the line between giving and self abandonment? And how does that connect back into being unapologetic? Until next time, keep saying it, sister.